Fight for

Respect

Esteem

Love

Make every day a day of these three little things...

Made it

Made it through yesterday. Friends called me to go to a cityfair. The kids enjoyed it, me too.
Music wasn't a big thing, but food was good and so was the mood.
Coming home I send the kids to sleep and poured myself a drink. Will have finished that bottle soon.
Don't worry, won't buy another one...

Still none who is coming to take me by the hand.
Think I have to do it again myself.
Big girl! You will make it!
Yeah, only to fall back into the abyss again.
No, it will last longer this time.
Well, once you know the abyss is there, you start to lose Balance.
There is a huge plain to walk on securely. No need to go even near the rim.
Something allways pushes me there. And the plain seems to shrink as well, so I find myself there again and again and again and again and ...

What? Is somebody talking to me? I hear faint voices. The kids? Oh, right, food, they need to eat...
What again is a garden? Trees? Birds? You'r supposed to hear them, right? Silence!
Don't you know the sound that darkness makes?
Food for the children. Yes,dear, go watch TV. Yes, I drive you to your friends place. Turn the radio on, sure. The news? News about what? War in Africa? Poor people there. Poor people in Somalia. Poor indigenous people in the US and Canada. Injustice, crimes commited by one community against another. Ignorance!
Ignorance! IGNORANCE! IGNORANCE!

I G N O R A N C E

S C R E A M I N G I G N O R A N C E

Love
Esteem
Respect

Lost it again

HELP!
I am loosing it... Kids are playing in the livingroom. No one is there who I could talk to. I am like in a prison without window. The door vanishes as soon as it locks. What is putting me into this place?
I am a rational, intelligent person, so who is putting me here.
Give me my life back!

Don't leave me here rotting, dying. I grab the walls, they are cold, rough and do not move. This is no dream.
I am writing here so the world spirit can send someone to help me, tell me what to do.

Having problems seeing... Do not pitty yourself!!!
Stop pittying yourself!
Pitty myself instead! Hihihi.... Now humor comes back...
Can pull myself together and make lunch for the kids. They are sweet! Really!

Here a message, never sent:
Hi! Do you think you could get used to getting messages from me from time to time. No need to read them only an adress I could write to about my stupidities? Shit, I do need help and don't know if I want it. Since I learned there is no coincidence in life my weird mind is clinging to the idea you would have the tiny drop of water that I need in the desert.

Oh, forget what that stupid woman is writing, it will only ruin your peace... I am in only two pieces and with a bit more selfcontroll will manage both of them.

So crazy...

it is crazy, that I am sitting here in the night, everybody happyly asleep and I am writing like I burst, explode into little pieces...
Do you understand?
If not, it is so easy nowerdays to click away.
Should write a song:

Click away, clihihick away!
All the things disturbing click'em away!
You knohow, you knohow all you have to do is clihick away.

Free after the borought malody of Mickeal Jackson.
My o my, what a name.
And how lovely english spellingmistakes can be used to change the idiom...

You do not know what an idiom is?
My personal idioms are the things you can only guess when you read my sentences here. Do not even try to understand what I am saying. Try to feel it. . . . There, now you have a shimmer of what an idiom is.

Why does this word sound so close to idiot?

Look in Wikipedia, there they will tell you all about it.
And more.

Do not forget to love somebody, at least yourself...and somebody who doesn't deserve it.
You would think that will change something?

Well, if it is not the same person...

It goes on

Yes luckily it didn't stop as I was afraid of. The world kept on turning and I did find some words to tell my son about the world and mother earth.
How come I have known these things all my live? Nothing they tell me is new to me. I always have been desperate, because the others seemed to be so ignorant. Or was it me beeing so silly, childish?
Now I can read in the internet, that the american indians speak out what I always felt is the truth. The way to explain our beeing on this planet, in this universe.
I feel not as alone anymore. But still somebody is missing I can share my thoughts with.
Since all of you - my numerous reader - are too busy or tired to write a comment or two, I have to keep on writing to the vast waves of electronic particles that at least archive my weird expressions on some harddrives all over the world...
Love you!

Oh the booze....

... Is making me so free, light,transparent...
Totaly drunk, barely able to wrte these sentences. Only to keep all (who are you anyway?) of you informed what is going on in my completely weird brain. Forgive me the unprecise writing, expressions. Always hoping somebody who is really able to understand is going to pick me up and take me where I belong. May be it will happen, when I am dead, so I only have to wait until that happenes.
Sombody out there? I am waiting for you...

New insights...

... are usually hurting, if they are really new.
Since everything that is known gives us a certain comfort and does not leave us naked and lonely in the fields as the new insights do.
So how can I be on the search if it is so risky to meet the new....
Why do I take the risk to remain naked, wet and cold in the fields and than have to try to light myself a fire in the rain.
Stupid me!
But thoughts are flowing, like the tide rising in my vision, not to be ignored and becoming more and more visible. Nothing there to cover them, nothing at all to hinder their growth. It is like an attack. You have to take on the fight or die.

Relax now

After all this, it is time for a changing. Speaking out what is on, beeing precise and dead honest.
What an expression... Now we are in a twightlight, without pressure to do anything, wich makes this zone really a rather comfortable place.
Will not give in, will continue, will trust the big Everything to do it right.
To do it, to do it, to do it right child!

It is raining

Finally the sky is letting down some of it's waters. How beautiful the game is. Clouds racing. Feel the draft of their wings as they speed past. The trees bend and their leafs wisper delightful, trying to catch the drops of freshness. These jump off to the ground wich is swelling with the new life they bring into its womb.
Its raining.

Let me be the wind to carry on.