Proud and Discipline

So what is it that makes me doing things I do?
I do things while not liking what I am doing. And still pull some sort of proud out of my discipline. Strange, this scentence of Martin the Complainer never leaves my mind. He said: "You are all working your arse off for this guy and too little money. He is yelling at you to move faster and you do and at the end of the day you are even proud of yourselfes."
He never saw the accomplishments beeing made that way.
But, what did I never see?

Hey you guys want to know how I am?
No, none of you is really interested, otherwise one would leave a comment.
Or is it, that so many comments are beeing send, that they don't fit through the door and got stuck....
Laughing about my own joke now...
?...
You are asking what joke? 
Well...

I tell you anyways how I am:
I am in the pole position!
The race is starting any moment and I only need one more point! Peanuts!

Life moves on

Look what happenes if one must cope with complete ignorance. Not even the faintest hint of will to understand the other person. She has got her view, has made up her mind and everything that follows is only an amusing show. For her.
Why is this world full of such people? Of people who seem to be unaware of the world they belong to.
They have cut themselfes off.
I think it is even the majority of the population, that is cut off, freefalling into the abbyss of eternity.
Nobody can say what is going to happen to them. Maybe the will remain in this suffering cirle forever.
But they are not suffering. They would say.
They don't even feel it...
But why this agressive undertone.....

Hey friends and numerous readers! Grinnnn...
Remember, the water you are drinking has been drunken, has filled the veins of trees and dinosaurs, has been in the stratosphere high up above. And now it runs down your throat, filling your body with life and joy.
Lets think what the molekules that we breath in every minute have been through. What is going to happen to them after we breath out? Will we ever see them again?
How can we kill a tree after understanding that it is it who gives us the oxigen to keep us alive?

Ouch, you will be asleep by now....
Drink a cup of coffee and think where it comes from...
Kisses!

Left again...

Gone. Thats good. And bad. Tears, doubts. I don't think it is important to stay always so close. Too much hurts and too many unwanted insults, misunderstanding.
Where does this leave the individual? Me?

Somebody says he has given me my identity...
Where is mine? Who gave it to me, where did I lose it.
Does that grow? Is it there from the beginning? Do we all have it? Do we have to?
I want one... I want to say like LaDonna Harris: "I know that I am part of something bigger than me."
I do not want to sit in my cinema alone anymore.

Experience

can be fantastic, shared, horrible, bitter and so many other things. Also interesting...
It is this matter of perception. Where do you stand, what did you eat the day before. Some would maybe say: it depends on how fried your fry bread has been...
But the thing that actually happened is anyhow always the same.
Am I beeing pilosophical today...
Well, waiting for a wee reply, aknowledgement .... making a difference of my experience...
Otherwise it will be a bitter one.

Oh how funny I am today again.

Tears

So many tears want to be shed. Can you refuse them their right to be free?
Cry out, scream in pain! Still they'll be yours, still you will say: its not me.
Have you ever wondered why people don't cry when their dead? I can tell you, it is because all the tears they have had have been shed.

Statistics

It is a very lonely feeling to feel lonely.
Whow, bursting with optimism! Hope you are all impressed...
Hihihihi! You know, I know there is no "you". It is the void of the electrons, the void of the entireness the emptyness of the whole.
Emptyness of the Whole.

Tangled

Completely tangled up in chores, wich have to be done today and I surely need 20 hours for it... So better start NOW!

Fight for

Respect

Esteem

Love

Make every day a day of these three little things...

Made it

Made it through yesterday. Friends called me to go to a cityfair. The kids enjoyed it, me too.
Music wasn't a big thing, but food was good and so was the mood.
Coming home I send the kids to sleep and poured myself a drink. Will have finished that bottle soon.
Don't worry, won't buy another one...

Still none who is coming to take me by the hand.
Think I have to do it again myself.
Big girl! You will make it!
Yeah, only to fall back into the abyss again.
No, it will last longer this time.
Well, once you know the abyss is there, you start to lose Balance.
There is a huge plain to walk on securely. No need to go even near the rim.
Something allways pushes me there. And the plain seems to shrink as well, so I find myself there again and again and again and again and ...

What? Is somebody talking to me? I hear faint voices. The kids? Oh, right, food, they need to eat...
What again is a garden? Trees? Birds? You'r supposed to hear them, right? Silence!
Don't you know the sound that darkness makes?
Food for the children. Yes,dear, go watch TV. Yes, I drive you to your friends place. Turn the radio on, sure. The news? News about what? War in Africa? Poor people there. Poor people in Somalia. Poor indigenous people in the US and Canada. Injustice, crimes commited by one community against another. Ignorance!
Ignorance! IGNORANCE! IGNORANCE!

I G N O R A N C E

S C R E A M I N G I G N O R A N C E

Love
Esteem
Respect

Lost it again

HELP!
I am loosing it... Kids are playing in the livingroom. No one is there who I could talk to. I am like in a prison without window. The door vanishes as soon as it locks. What is putting me into this place?
I am a rational, intelligent person, so who is putting me here.
Give me my life back!

Don't leave me here rotting, dying. I grab the walls, they are cold, rough and do not move. This is no dream.
I am writing here so the world spirit can send someone to help me, tell me what to do.

Having problems seeing... Do not pitty yourself!!!
Stop pittying yourself!
Pitty myself instead! Hihihi.... Now humor comes back...
Can pull myself together and make lunch for the kids. They are sweet! Really!

Here a message, never sent:
Hi! Do you think you could get used to getting messages from me from time to time. No need to read them only an adress I could write to about my stupidities? Shit, I do need help and don't know if I want it. Since I learned there is no coincidence in life my weird mind is clinging to the idea you would have the tiny drop of water that I need in the desert.

Oh, forget what that stupid woman is writing, it will only ruin your peace... I am in only two pieces and with a bit more selfcontroll will manage both of them.

So crazy...

it is crazy, that I am sitting here in the night, everybody happyly asleep and I am writing like I burst, explode into little pieces...
Do you understand?
If not, it is so easy nowerdays to click away.
Should write a song:

Click away, clihihick away!
All the things disturbing click'em away!
You knohow, you knohow all you have to do is clihick away.

Free after the borought malody of Mickeal Jackson.
My o my, what a name.
And how lovely english spellingmistakes can be used to change the idiom...

You do not know what an idiom is?
My personal idioms are the things you can only guess when you read my sentences here. Do not even try to understand what I am saying. Try to feel it. . . . There, now you have a shimmer of what an idiom is.

Why does this word sound so close to idiot?

Look in Wikipedia, there they will tell you all about it.
And more.

Do not forget to love somebody, at least yourself...and somebody who doesn't deserve it.
You would think that will change something?

Well, if it is not the same person...

It goes on

Yes luckily it didn't stop as I was afraid of. The world kept on turning and I did find some words to tell my son about the world and mother earth.
How come I have known these things all my live? Nothing they tell me is new to me. I always have been desperate, because the others seemed to be so ignorant. Or was it me beeing so silly, childish?
Now I can read in the internet, that the american indians speak out what I always felt is the truth. The way to explain our beeing on this planet, in this universe.
I feel not as alone anymore. But still somebody is missing I can share my thoughts with.
Since all of you - my numerous reader - are too busy or tired to write a comment or two, I have to keep on writing to the vast waves of electronic particles that at least archive my weird expressions on some harddrives all over the world...
Love you!

Oh the booze....

... Is making me so free, light,transparent...
Totaly drunk, barely able to wrte these sentences. Only to keep all (who are you anyway?) of you informed what is going on in my completely weird brain. Forgive me the unprecise writing, expressions. Always hoping somebody who is really able to understand is going to pick me up and take me where I belong. May be it will happen, when I am dead, so I only have to wait until that happenes.
Sombody out there? I am waiting for you...

New insights...

... are usually hurting, if they are really new.
Since everything that is known gives us a certain comfort and does not leave us naked and lonely in the fields as the new insights do.
So how can I be on the search if it is so risky to meet the new....
Why do I take the risk to remain naked, wet and cold in the fields and than have to try to light myself a fire in the rain.
Stupid me!
But thoughts are flowing, like the tide rising in my vision, not to be ignored and becoming more and more visible. Nothing there to cover them, nothing at all to hinder their growth. It is like an attack. You have to take on the fight or die.

Relax now

After all this, it is time for a changing. Speaking out what is on, beeing precise and dead honest.
What an expression... Now we are in a twightlight, without pressure to do anything, wich makes this zone really a rather comfortable place.
Will not give in, will continue, will trust the big Everything to do it right.
To do it, to do it, to do it right child!

It is raining

Finally the sky is letting down some of it's waters. How beautiful the game is. Clouds racing. Feel the draft of their wings as they speed past. The trees bend and their leafs wisper delightful, trying to catch the drops of freshness. These jump off to the ground wich is swelling with the new life they bring into its womb.
Its raining.

Let me be the wind to carry on.

This is

a text about asking and not wanting that people would notice. Try to cry for no reason without tears.
Silently screaming, hoping that somebody does not hear. Listen they can not, because there is no subject to listen to.
Where do I go now?

Satisfaction

Whow, we made it,and again crashed into each other. Unforeseen. With a naive notion...
What about trust? If one trusts onother, can he/she be offended by words, that come out in a burst out of emotions?
I didn't drink enough to make myself clear, will try again tomorrow.....

If the sun is shining...

... life seems to be so much more.
So much more to life - a blast of sunshine...

What I am talking about?
I talk about the struggle to keep on living with all what we know. The pains, the tears, the cruelties, the sufferings, the desperation.
How do some endure and still live?
I have difficulties with that, I must admit.

Seeking people who understand, who give me a hint or two how to keep on going.
Does this sound desperate?
Does it?

Seek. Seek. Look. Look. Search. Search. Seek. Search.......... Look..... Seek.....Sea.r.c....h.......S..e........e........k.....................................................

Just as it is...

Now they are fighting again against each other in the name of god. Why are they using his name for such a terrible result.
Is there a god as they want him to be like?
Or a godess?
No. At least not the way the want him to be.
They would be amazed how similar he is to each of us. How close, how identical.
Amazed or shocked?
It would mean we ARE responsible.
Are we?
Oh yes, we are!
YES! WE! ARE!
Kisses to all who are reading this. That will save me lot of kisses...

People are

growing fast, looking out of their head, through eyes. It is a very indirect way of seeing.
Growing and seeing some of this world. Understanding is done by comparing...?
Or how would one of you explain how that works?
Understand. Seeing and comparing.
How do these things fit together. Or do they not fit together at all?
In that sense understanding would be again filtered, again only a tiny part of the thing we are looking at.
Can everybody follow?
Nothing really new, isn't it. Millions of smart people already were more or less successfuly trying to think these thoughts...

Maybe it is better I lose this one like the yesterdays one.

Whoever wants to say something, be aware, your eyes are looking, your brain is seeing and your mind is the one with a chance to understand.
So mind the mind!

Left again...

Wrote a looong post today, loads of talks and it got lost while puplishing....
So I can't share my thoughts today. It is propably better that way. There is always a reason.

Yesterday my car saved my life...
On the road:
I was about to abundan everything and suddenly it beeeped and the display displayed a capital letter written "STOP".
The coolant was to be looked after. Temperature 130 degree celsius (100 boils).
I stopped, got out and checked the water.... Still enough, not even steaming... Got back in the car, temperatur was down. I drove another 100 miles without problems.

They arrived ...

... and I closed my door.
No, I did not.
Again I try to be a good girl, the one everybody can rely on. Only if I rely the wall is backing of...
No. It is not.

There are two topics:

How is the thing without beeing seen.
Pure reception.

And then is there another thing:
How do we let the kids look at the Puffin?

And again...

... wuerg, argh, urgh...

I do not try to seek the creator, not even the creation. It's all there and visible and I wonder what reason there is to talk about it.
If we wouldn't know all the thoughts from religious works, how would we look at this world today?
I mean, starting all over again, from zero.

See a Puffin and see it, really. I mean only that puffin.
Does everybody here knows what a Puffin is? Click HERE
Is it still possible for us to set aside all the prejudices that we have because of written books?
What about our own experience?
Are we still able to make such an experience, to gather it?
To draw own conclusions, insights?

Aechz! arrgh! ouph! Air is out and I take a break.

Good morning?

Peopel will be coming that I love and fear without reason. The kids are the precious judges. They know by heart what is important. Leave the past, enjoy the present.
And what about the future?
It will be love that will make the difference. Only love can make me enjoying the present.
Does it make sense?
To me at least it does - at the present...

Ahhh! This is the real pain... Do not forget to note it, because afterwards nobody will believe you anymore.
How can it be, that people are so sad although nobody likes this feeling.

This is a complete nonsense...

I can not imagine what will happen to those who actually read these posts...

Propably it did not help to drink a whiskey while writing.
I do not try to seek the creator, not even the creation. It's all there and visible and I wonder what reason there is to talk about it.
If we wouldn't know all the thoughts from religious works, how would we look at this world today?
I mean, starting all over again, from zero.